I am broke.

I ran 20 miles this morning and I am broken.

Good run though, good even pace and I didn’t feel like I wanted to die until I hit mile 19.

I’ll call that one a win.

Take #3

I decided that 1st March would be a fresh start; eat better, train more…we’re now on 3rd March and finally I have managed to go and entire day without eating my feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had two(exceedingly good) Mr. Kipling cakes and a slimline gin and tonic but I’ve also managed to stick within mu calories and my macros are on point.

Still no exercise though but since Thursday’s are traditionally a rest day for me anyway I don’t feel bad about it.

Work today was an absolute shitemare. I think we just found the straw that broke the camel’s back. Honestly, I am this close to just washing my hands of the entire affair and letting the dice fall where they may.

Urgh.

In other news; I am so completely stressed out I don’t even know what not feeling stressed feels like anymore. I’m trapped in a well paying job because I’m the only one working just now. That we’ll paying job is completely taking the piss out of me. I feel so completely powerless. The only thing I truly have under my control is my diet and training and I’m just willingly letting all of that go to pot…

Fear of Failure

Signing up to run the Manchester Marathon is quite possibly the worst decision I’ve ever made.  The constant pressure to train has killed any joy that I get from running and exercising in general.  I have a constant fear of failure and instead of facing the fear head on and busting a gut to prove myself wrong; I’m pulling back more and more.  My flight instinct has been activated and I would rather live to see another day.

I hate that it is making me hate running.

I hate that I am sabotaging myself.

I hate that I am sabotaging myself on purpose.

In an ideal world, I just wouldn’t run it but so many people know that I’ve signed up that I feel that I’d be letting them down.  In truth, I doubt anyone cares – ultimately I am only letting myself down.

More than anything, I don’t want anyone to know that I’ve failed.

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